"In the morning, wanna die. In the evening, wanna die. If I ain't dead alread..."

Recurring dreams are not nearly as mysterious and/or intriguing as they might sound.

No, they are anxiety-provoking, sometimes panic inducing for me. I remember the story line of the dream and I wake up depressed.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

My ex-best friend is getting married in about 2 months. I remember this fact every day. I also remember how she planned my bridal shower, my bachelorette party, and took care of me the day of my wedding almost 4 years ago.

People tell me, sometimes these things happen, maybe years down the road you could become friends again.

Getting married is a big deal. Yup. It's lame, it's heterosexual, it's girlie to dress up and prance around in front of people, but it's really important. I look back at my own wedding and regret things I should've done (hire a PRO photographer, for example), but it was still a great day with every person that was important to us.

She'll have her bridal shower (or has had for all I know), her bachelorette party (same thing), her wedding photos with something missing. I can no longer ignore the intense pain of knowing that I am the loser who is missing.

But now that it's her turn in the spotlight she doesn't want or need me there. I am a pile of worthless shit that made her nauseated months before she broke off the friendship. My psychic abilities were not up and running and so this came as a shock.

I mean, let's be honest, I am constantly reminding myself every day of what a fraud I am, and I most likely don't even deserve a best friend to begin with. I had the chance, and I fucked it up. Apologies, sincerity, regret; these things mean nothing.

The politically moderate Atheist who taught at a Christian school and supports issues like gay marriage and pro-choice options is cemented in her fury. Ignore the flexibility in humanitarian concerns with all aforementioned ideals that shape her identity.

She is standing her moral ground at all costs, against the perceived evil in the Universe.

And that evil would be me.