FW email Response-It's wonderful.

Well, you guys know me by now. Or I'd hope you'd at least guess that I couldn't resist tearing apart this email I received. It's not even necessarily about the subject matter (though I do tend to disagree). It is SO poorly written; they don't need the disclaimer at the top saying it was penned by a fifteen year old. That much is glaringly obvious as I trudged through this piece of "work."

BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME)! Since the Pledge of Allegiance And The Lord's Prayer Are not allowed in most Public schools anymore Because the word 'God' is mentioned..... A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

Let me just pop in here for a moment and point out the FIVE periods of ellipses, with the standard being two, usually three. A brilliant Professor once told me, "Those dots are when the author has nothing more to say but isn't intelligent enough to finish the sentence. AAAND it's not the author of the poem, either. Fantastic.

NEW School prayer: Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd.

I'm going to shock some folks here, but while the word choice is childish and too sing-songy, like Dr. Suess (but not in a good way), the author at least maintains consistent rhythm, with four beats per line.

If scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now.

Technically, this stanza is still four beats per line. However, it is also terribly written. I'm 27 years old and cannot figure out the time period to which the author refers with mention of classrooms reciting scripture. Vacation Bible School is NOT real school, FYI.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

Well now that the author has gotten the first two "throw away" starter lines/stanzas out of the way, we can see that there is no rhythm to be had. It was a trick. Now I can't even enjoy a little foot-tapping while drudging through the rest of this miserable, handicapped version of Homer.

For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all.. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state.

I hate to stray from the technical aspects of writing/grammar here, but isn't praying alone, or meditating, something that God strongly approves of? I mean, look at the Amish. I think sometimes they have entire services in silence, to meditate on God and what He has done for them. Sheesh. They aren't the only people who prefer silent, reflective prayer, as opposed to speaking in tongues like a fool in public. And what about the MILLIONS, no excuse me, BILLIONS of others in this world that have been oppressed and forced to pray in secret? Take off the blinders, look at the world, and grow the fuck up.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks... They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..

Now we're stepping up with the big words. Look out, world. I also enjoy the fact that the message of this poem is freedom for all to worship and behave how they feel, yet in the first line of this stanza, the author chooses to verbally assault those who are different, "dress like freaks"; who decides what constitutes dressing like a freak? If I don't shop specifically at American Eagle Outfitters and Walmart, I'm not only condemned by God but also by man? Over time, you will learn. Oh and while you're at it, read up on some current laws. Guns are not outlawed. This isn't Canada, or England, or any other country with some common sense. This is America. We are proud to be gun-totin' morons in this great nation.

We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd.

Alright, this stanza is golden. First, I enjoy the pluralization of "birth controls", when many literate people would agree 'control' is the appropriate word. It's like 'moose' or something. If anyone figures out how to "study" a totem pole (of course, other than literally standing in front of one and staring at it, because then it become analyzing artwork (or primary source, if you will, a whole other fascinating territory), please, by all means, let me know this secret I've not been privy to. And while you're at it, research this history of vampire religion the author speaks of. I mean, vampires are fictional, so there isn't much to 'study' per say, so I'm assuming the author meant to elaborate on the first of the list, witchcraft, which is indeed a religion of sorts.

It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen

The first two sentences are both pretentious (much like this response, muah!) and the second line is missing a comma after 'reigns.' This entire poem is full of abstract pleading, degrading of people who think differently, and my personal favorite, the last two lines: "Should I be shot; (comma, not semi-colon)/ My soul please take!/ Amen LOVE it. Would you like to know why? REPUBLICANS LOVE GUNS. THEY DESPISE THE DEMOCRATS FOR PASSING LAWS ATTEMPTING SOME SORT OF 'GUN CONTROL,' BUT THE REACTIONARIES (except for those who participate in MADD) WILL DIE WITH THEIR GUNS GLUED TO THEIR MISGUIDED, IGNORANT, AND PREJUDICE DEAD BODIES. This kid is afraid of his/her own gun-toting, Budweiser sponsored, NASCAR watching family. This last stanza is a subconscious cry for help. If you aren't ashamed to do this, Please pass this on.. Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.' Not ashamed. Pass this on. Oh Jesus and your brotherly love, complete with brotherly threats: if you're mean to me, I'm going to TELL ON YOU. WAAAH! Amen to that. I'm going to re-write this sucker in a much more acceptable (and comprehensible, at that) form. Yes, I'm going to keep all original meaning/connotation. That is what will make it fun. If they want to get a message across to people, it needs to be presentable. I don't care if a fifteen year old wrote that. I was underwhelmed, amongst other things. There are fifteen year olds that have graduated college, and we're patting this particular person on the back for a poem a fifth grader could've written? Shame on us, America. I suppose this is the dark side of "No Child Left Behind."