Cee Lo Green - FUCK YOU

Fool's Gold - "Nadine" (Official Video)

Gogol Bordello - Sun Is On My Side

MTV CRIBS SPOOF.avi

Spaceghost with Thom York and Bjork

Reactionary Pantoum (crappy email response poetry)

The Purtians and Pilgrims paved the way
Old General MacCarthy set the bar.
Centuries later, masses led astray--
Now any kind of prayer is "going to far"

MacCarthy relentlessly backed the cause
Patriotic hero leading the fight
Now freedom's lost, since prayer is "going to far"
The letters 'P.C.' strangling the right.

Democracy--No room for Commie pigs!
In the Pilgrim's ideal--the church was state
Political correctness for the win
Now I'm the one harrassed for displayed faith.

The Pilgrims must be rolling in their graves
As heathen politicians study law
And I'm the one harrassed for displayed faith
As liberals bulldoze Ten Commandment walls.

Our politicians ALL corrupt God's law
So no one is allowed to mumble prayer
We're left with crumbled Ten Commandments walls--
And judging right from wrong "just isn't fair."

Still nobody allowed to utter prayer
But tattooed, pierced-up freaks demand a fight
Since judging right from wrong "just isn't fair"
We want religious freedom, as our right.

The tattooed, pierced-up freaks demand a fight
Centuries later, masses led astray
We want religious freedom, as our right
The Puritans and Pilgrims paved the way.

Top Ten Secrets of Douchebags

This blog comes from the brilliant website/idea generator, http://linkbaitgenerator.com/index.php The subject was randomly generated by the site. The rest is all me, baby. Top Ten Secrets of Douchebags:

1) Complete lack of inhibition/morals/code of conduct.

2) Express your opinion, no matter how ignorant, ill-informed, pretentious, presumptuous, or glaringly, blatantly, obviously WRONG it may be. Express this as loudly and with all the enthusiasm/hostility you can muster, at all times.

3)STANDARD ATTIRE: Khakis, Polo-collared shirt (preferably pink), poorly constructed fraternity tattoo (the one from the college you got kicked out of due to Academic probation), Natty Lite brand flip-flops.

4) A MINIMUM of One beer pong champion trophy/medal/ribbon–T.J. Maxx or homemade are both acceptable, but must be prominently displayed in a heavy traffic area.

5) “It’s beer-o-clock!” is a crucial part of your everyday vocabulary.

6) T.V. Visor was totally necessary in your “souped up” Honda Accord (V6, Suck it!).

7) ANY story can be outdone. ANY.

You have a Bachelor’s degree of Science in economics/business/accounting/web and/or graphic design, with both hazy and questionable memories as to how you achieved such a thing.

9) You proudly own an extra large Scarface movie poster.

10) Your Five favorite movies: Gone in 60 Seconds, Dazed and Confused, Alien vs. Predator, Bio-Dome, and The James Bond collection.

Enjoy my friends. I know I did!

FW email Response-It's wonderful.

Well, you guys know me by now. Or I'd hope you'd at least guess that I couldn't resist tearing apart this email I received. It's not even necessarily about the subject matter (though I do tend to disagree). It is SO poorly written; they don't need the disclaimer at the top saying it was penned by a fifteen year old. That much is glaringly obvious as I trudged through this piece of "work."

BY A 15 yr. Old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME)! Since the Pledge of Allegiance And The Lord's Prayer Are not allowed in most Public schools anymore Because the word 'God' is mentioned..... A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

Let me just pop in here for a moment and point out the FIVE periods of ellipses, with the standard being two, usually three. A brilliant Professor once told me, "Those dots are when the author has nothing more to say but isn't intelligent enough to finish the sentence. AAAND it's not the author of the poem, either. Fantastic.

NEW School prayer: Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd.

I'm going to shock some folks here, but while the word choice is childish and too sing-songy, like Dr. Suess (but not in a good way), the author at least maintains consistent rhythm, with four beats per line.

If scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now.

Technically, this stanza is still four beats per line. However, it is also terribly written. I'm 27 years old and cannot figure out the time period to which the author refers with mention of classrooms reciting scripture. Vacation Bible School is NOT real school, FYI.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

Well now that the author has gotten the first two "throw away" starter lines/stanzas out of the way, we can see that there is no rhythm to be had. It was a trick. Now I can't even enjoy a little foot-tapping while drudging through the rest of this miserable, handicapped version of Homer.

For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all.. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state.

I hate to stray from the technical aspects of writing/grammar here, but isn't praying alone, or meditating, something that God strongly approves of? I mean, look at the Amish. I think sometimes they have entire services in silence, to meditate on God and what He has done for them. Sheesh. They aren't the only people who prefer silent, reflective prayer, as opposed to speaking in tongues like a fool in public. And what about the MILLIONS, no excuse me, BILLIONS of others in this world that have been oppressed and forced to pray in secret? Take off the blinders, look at the world, and grow the fuck up.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks... They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..

Now we're stepping up with the big words. Look out, world. I also enjoy the fact that the message of this poem is freedom for all to worship and behave how they feel, yet in the first line of this stanza, the author chooses to verbally assault those who are different, "dress like freaks"; who decides what constitutes dressing like a freak? If I don't shop specifically at American Eagle Outfitters and Walmart, I'm not only condemned by God but also by man? Over time, you will learn. Oh and while you're at it, read up on some current laws. Guns are not outlawed. This isn't Canada, or England, or any other country with some common sense. This is America. We are proud to be gun-totin' morons in this great nation.

We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd.

Alright, this stanza is golden. First, I enjoy the pluralization of "birth controls", when many literate people would agree 'control' is the appropriate word. It's like 'moose' or something. If anyone figures out how to "study" a totem pole (of course, other than literally standing in front of one and staring at it, because then it become analyzing artwork (or primary source, if you will, a whole other fascinating territory), please, by all means, let me know this secret I've not been privy to. And while you're at it, research this history of vampire religion the author speaks of. I mean, vampires are fictional, so there isn't much to 'study' per say, so I'm assuming the author meant to elaborate on the first of the list, witchcraft, which is indeed a religion of sorts.

It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen

The first two sentences are both pretentious (much like this response, muah!) and the second line is missing a comma after 'reigns.' This entire poem is full of abstract pleading, degrading of people who think differently, and my personal favorite, the last two lines: "Should I be shot; (comma, not semi-colon)/ My soul please take!/ Amen LOVE it. Would you like to know why? REPUBLICANS LOVE GUNS. THEY DESPISE THE DEMOCRATS FOR PASSING LAWS ATTEMPTING SOME SORT OF 'GUN CONTROL,' BUT THE REACTIONARIES (except for those who participate in MADD) WILL DIE WITH THEIR GUNS GLUED TO THEIR MISGUIDED, IGNORANT, AND PREJUDICE DEAD BODIES. This kid is afraid of his/her own gun-toting, Budweiser sponsored, NASCAR watching family. This last stanza is a subconscious cry for help. If you aren't ashamed to do this, Please pass this on.. Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.' Not ashamed. Pass this on. Oh Jesus and your brotherly love, complete with brotherly threats: if you're mean to me, I'm going to TELL ON YOU. WAAAH! Amen to that. I'm going to re-write this sucker in a much more acceptable (and comprehensible, at that) form. Yes, I'm going to keep all original meaning/connotation. That is what will make it fun. If they want to get a message across to people, it needs to be presentable. I don't care if a fifteen year old wrote that. I was underwhelmed, amongst other things. There are fifteen year olds that have graduated college, and we're patting this particular person on the back for a poem a fifth grader could've written? Shame on us, America. I suppose this is the dark side of "No Child Left Behind."

LCD Soundsystem - Drunk Girls (HD)

Gathering Paradise: Bill Murray Reads to Construction Workers at Poets H...

Classic Sesame Street - Grover and Madeline Kahn

She is one of my heroes-he was always the muppet that brought forth the most empathy from me as a child. This is love, thank you youTube.

Step Brothers "Boats 'N Hoes" (HD)

Discussion Board Blather

*****Online Discussion Board: Secret Entrance to Madness!*****

Hello, hello everyone, You can see my name is Racheal. Excellent.

I almost can't believe that I am finally taking this class, after a year of anticipation! This is my first on-line class, and though I spend obscene amounts of time on the internet, I fear this will not really help me during the next three months. There are distractions, shiny things everywhere that I must observe, etc.

I am seeing the light at the end of the community college tunnel, and I hope to transfer to Ohio Wesleyan University in the fall. I am a double major in Psychology and Creative Writing, and I plan to seriously begin some memoirs in this course, because my life has been too ridiculous to NOT share with the world, teehee! I have been married almost 4 years (holy crap...) to my high school sweetheart; I know this sounds lame. We actually broke up about 4 times because you know, being a teen is such an easy task. We moved in together in 2002, and I strongly endorse the idea of co-habitation before marriage! We have a black golden retriever, and he's almost a year old now-- his name is Cleveland. Other than school, I recently started some editing for a gaming paper/magazine for the D20 Girls, a group representing females (who are grossly understated) in the male dominated world of all things gaming. To be honest, I barely scraped by as far as gaming interests, which include: collecting Monopoly editions, board games, Apples to Apples, euchre, Rock Band, and Beautiful Katamari. There are a few comic book writers I adore, but it's really a stretch for me. It's fun though, I enjoy the challenge and the added experience in publication. All dollar signs in my future, that's my mantra! *Internship at cd101 trumps all other conquests! Good lord, I think I'm done. But wait! I'm a social networking junkie. If you are on myspace or facebook, let me know! I blog, I'll admit it. I am not ashamed..

I am a quote junkie as well. So I will painstakingly narrow it down to a Top 5 List:

5) "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." -Oscar Wilde 4) "Who knows where thoughts come from, they just appear!" -Lucas, Empire Records 3) "I'm not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share." -George Carlin 2) "The most fatal illusion is the settled point of view. Since life is growth and motion, a fixed point of view kills anybody who has one." -Brooks Atkinson 1) "The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science." -Albert Einstein


*****

I agree that the most important step is to start writing. I find that at times it is not easy to sit and write in my journal, whether on my computer or the one I carry in my purse. Sometimes ideas strike like lightning and I can't get the words down fast enough. In the dry spells I try to force myself to write something, anything, just to keep myself in practice.

I got the best advice from a place I least expected-- last fall I attended MidOhioCon (a nerd/gaming convention) as a project for Social Psychology. I attended because I assumed I would feel uncomfortable and out of place, leaving me with an experience that would be easy to analyze.

It turned out that not only did I enjoy myself, but I met some awesome people as well. The best conversation though, was with a guy named Chris Yambar, a comic book writer. He has several of his own characters, but he also writes Simpson's comics. Matt Groening is his boss!!

I talked to him for about 20 minutes, and it filled me with such hope and confidence about my future. Chris is from Youngstown, Ohio, and said Matt Groening was a fan of one of his early comic books. Eventually, he got ahold of him and hired him to work on Simpson's comics. Groening got in touch with Yambar. Awesome!

So what he told me, and what plays over and over in my mind, is this: "Whatever it is you're good at, become an expert. When you're an expert, people come to you."

Up until that point I was constantly struggling with my decision to double major in Psychology and Creative Writing, but now I know that fear was only holding me back. I'm well on my way to expert status in both fields (not saying I'm an expert by any means, but I'm forging the right path!) and I have the motivation and encouragement that will enable me to follow through with my education goals.

I would never have guessed a comic book writer would not simply validate my ideas, but offer advice that will certainly help me for the rest of my life. Hey, and he's a new friend on Facebook as well!

*****

As a side note, last quarter I was cleaning some old drawers full of crap, and came across a career aptitude test I had taken back in 8th grade, like 13 years ago. I remember taking the test, but more importantly, I remember purposely manipulating my answers so I would see results I desired over actual calculated scores. It gave a Top 5 Careers list, and the two I blatantly conformed my answers to were right there at the top, Acting and Music Performance (ah, to be a child again with those fantastic hopes and dreams..). In the mix were two careers I completely scoffed at, and promptly forgot about. Fast forward to finding these yellowed papers 14 years later. I chuckled at how stubborn I was in getting the answers I desired, but I almost choked when I noticed the other listings that were genuine, which I hadn't considered the first time. Literary Arts/Creative Writing, and Psychology (clinical or research). Actual, physical proof that this test is both valid and reliable. It predicted my future, and this kind of creeps me out. It's kind of cool, though.

***** Sure, it's terrifying to think that the GOP predicts Palin taking office in the future, but let's look at the upside; at least we'll get Tina Fey back in her eerily realistic portrayal of the woman. She was dynamite! ***** 6. In "Is Google Making us Stupid?", the author states that "the process of adapting to new intellectual technologies is reflected in the changing metaphors we use to explain ourselves to ourselves." If this is the case, then how do you feel cell phones have affected our self-perception? Blogs? Tweeting?

This article and fantastic in its ability to portray both sides of this question. Immediately, self-esteem and self-worth come to mind when I think of cell phones and social networking. I got my first cell phone at 16, and it was a safety precaution because I was driving. It is different today with kids as young as first grade getting phones. Their contacts list, for example, would indicate how popular a person is. All of the cyber and text bullying we hear about is clearly detrimental, and leads some to suicide.

I mention this because of the speed these events take place. Everyone got made fun of as a child, at one time or another. But we didn't have myspace, facebook, twitter, or a phone with us to serve as a constant reminder of how little people think of you, and ultimately feeding the self hate. The harassment floods in, overwhelming the kid, and there goes another young life. It seems that perhaps before this technological age, while kids were still cruel and unforgiving, there was a break (for most, not all) when they went home. They could get away from the ridiculing for a majority of the day. They could grow up to be adults who understand the difficulties of adolescence and realize that they are stronger as an adult, and they were not alone in their experiences as a child. They can learn to move on.

It happens so quickly today, it's as if a hurricane of torture blows in a kid's life, and suddenly they are dead. Scary stuff..

I have to quote Sergey Brin, “Certainly if you had all the world’s information directly attached to your brain, or an artificial brain that was smarter than your brain, you’d be better off.”

I understand the complexities of forging a new way of thinking in attempt to achieve something grand. I feel as though the inventors of Google have the best intentions, but the above statement is severely flawed-- he assumes, certainly we'd be better off with instant access to knowledge. But what he does not acknowledge is that having and knowing information is NOT the same as having processed it and fully understanding the meaning. That is wisdom, as opposed to simple recitation of facts.

Richard Foreman said, “I come from a tradition of Western culture, in which the ideal (my ideal) was the complex, dense and “cathedral-like” structure of the highly educated and articulate personality—a man or woman who carried inside themselves a personally constructed and unique version of the entire heritage of the West.”

I LOVE this description! It's the inside of my brain, woohoo!

I need to defend one last argument and then I am done, I swear. Nietzsche's view of the type writer changing cognitive structure may be true (okay, apparently science has proved it true, pffft!) BUT I'm going to pair it with today's overload of diagnosed ADHD. I was diagnosed at age 20. Now, before you automatically judge me (because people do, I used to before I understood the disorder) you should know that I read a lot into it. It was not something I took lightly, and being a woman, the signs are much different. Also, being gifted and put in some specials classes ensured that it was entirely overlooked in my school career.

Anyway, ADhD is a frontal lobe thing. Thoughts race, and they happen so quickly that it is extremely difficult to grasp one idea fully for very long, unless you are interested in the subject/action. For me, the keyboard as a substitute for pen and paper has been an enormous benefit. I taught myself how to type in the fourth grade, because I was bored during free time in Enrichment. Now, I find it to be automatic process, and it is wonderful in classes where I need to take notes and also mark down what the instructor is saying. Typing fast allows me to keep up with presented written information, spoken information, and any connecting ideas that may pop into my head during a lecture. When writing, I still use a journal as well, but oftentimes I cannot write fast enough to get all of my ideas down. Typing at lightning speed once again saves the day.


*****

I'm going out on a small limb, since we are right on the same page as far as those young whippersnappers live these days, ha ha.. I don't think "I'm sorry" has disappeared; it has just been driven into the ground, and used insincerely so many times that is has gradually lost the true meaning.

Also, Botox will be crucial if we aim to rid the world of nonverbal communication. I've heard you end up with a surprised look and you can't really smile. I'm sure those scientists are working diligently on the face with no meaning look.

I have to admit, after a year of being back in college, I am finding it to be a far more rewarding experience being a little older and wiser (it sounds like we're about the same age). Obviously we know how to handle the stress more maturely, but for me, I find it fascinating to be in the unique position of living on the cusp of the technology revolution. We get to see the before and after, and while seeing the negative effects can be disheartening, the accomplishments are so worth being alive and essentially a part of.

The kids don't know what they're missing, especially since they all have their face permanently glued to their cell phone and tiny slide keyboard. Damn kids!


*****

I am baffled by elementary age children having cell phones. It's the flooding of so much at once that catches me off-guard. I said somewhere before that I also love being in the unique position of living on the cusp of this technology wave, and experiencing the before and after. When I got my first computer (a piece of shit named "Old Bessie" who finally died after 9 years) I was ecstatic to get on Napster and download 3 songs in 21/2 hours with my amazing dial-up! In 2006 I finally gave in to the social networking, and have evolved into a full-blown junkie through the years. It started with myspace, then I waited extra long before facebook. Once it hit that point, it was painless joining twitter (which is random and hilarious and awesome in my opinion!), and now I scold people who delete one account in favor of the other. I have a sweet blog on the subject. As for texting, I am one of those people who shuts down at the thought of calling even a close friend or relative. 98% of the time, I absolutely despise talking on the phone, though I have a few close friends that are exceptions. Texting has been a relief for me, because now if I want to hang out with someone, I don't have to have a minor panic attack and prepare myself for the 30 second phone conversation that feels as though it is frozen in time. If anything, I am able to keep in touch with MORE of my friends thanks to texting. Weird.

*****

Ha ha! I was raised a Seventh Day Adventist, and I've seen it referred to as a cult in several books about religious sects; so nobody thinks I'm dissing on their religion or anything. Basically, they follow the old and new testament. Sabbath is Saturday and they don't eat pork, so many people think of Jews, but they really take the new testament seriously. In the 1800's William Miller had visions or predicted the second coming was about to happen. He predicted it two or three times, each time he was wrong. He had a group of Millerites, and Jehovah's Witnesses split from them after the failed predictions (I learned that very recently actually!). They have a prophet, Ellen White, who had visions from God and was also extremely health conscious. I've read some controversial things on that, like perhaps mental illness played a role, but whatever. She helped Kellogg invent cornflakes for the insane asylums, something cheap and healthy that was easy to prepare. Go food network, back when I used to have cable! SO, back in the 70's when my grandpa converted from being a Mennonite, it was the health awareness that attracted him. He really, passionately believed that an all carrot juice diet could cure cancer. Needless to say, he didn't trust doctors. So he had religious waivers during all of my schooling, and I attended public schools without a single vaccination. I've thought about it a lot, as far as what I'd do when I have kids, and I'm relieved to see how you worked it out, because that sounds a lot more reasonable and what I was leaning towards. I'm glad I'm not the only person who is NOT extremist on the issue of vaccinations!


 Continued:

I agree, in this most excellent age of information, there's a lot of weirdos like me running amuck! I was raised such an extremist, that I can't help but examine both sides thoroughly. Especially in areas of science where there are many grey areas, like autism and things still being researched like that. It's great to have access to many perspectives, because I fear many people follow doctor's orders without a second thought. It took me years into adulthood before I starting taking anything for psychiatric health, and then years of denial after that before I'd even try anti-depressants! I've tried different combinations over time, but the most important thing I've learned is to NOT let the doctor be authoritative, or basically make the decisions for you. It's a doctor patient *relationship*, which we pay a lot for anyway, and they should talk out the options instead of waving off your concern. It should be a give and take, which I've found with my third family doctor in Powell. You don't know just how dismissive the doctors can be until you have a genuinely concerned, empathetic doctor who takes his job seriously. It's pretty amazing! To conclude this nonsensical ramble, I'd like to mention that a little know fact about the Amish is that They actually split from the Mennonites, and not the other way around. Yes, the Amish are conservative, and that is the reason they separated. Like the Puritans, they are all or nothing kind of people. Of course, they choose nothing. Ha. I know way too much trivial information.

*****

I feel blessed to only remember good things from the 80's because I was born in 1982, so I didn't seem to notice the adult world going temporarily blind and deaf for an entire decade when it came to fashion and music. I remember the good things, like re-runs of Captain Kangaroo, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, the ORIGINAL Sesame Street, and freaking Bob Ross. During kindergarten nap time, my best friend Serena and I got in trouble for singing instead of sleeping. What were we singing you ask? "Take me down to the Paradise City..." We didn't understand the words, but we sure as hell understood "Cool" when we heard it! Boo yah! Go 1989.

*****

Yeah, I am a research junkie, I'll admit it. I enjoy reading scientific journals and modern theories in psychology, hypnosis, the growing knowledge of how the brain works. That being said, my subject du jour (oh how sophisticated of me) has been human sexuality, and the theory that orientation is on a spectrum, rather than the 3 basic categories the general public first think of, or the 6 that have been officially labeled (which only leads to discrimination, but don't get me started..)

The generic 3 are, of course, hetero, homo, and bi-sexual.

The 6 that are specifically labeled and more often recognized because of the flashy acronym are, again, hetero, and the fancy LGBT, or lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, (asexual), and transgender. It’s really only one more, but in the spirit of political correctness, they must differentiate the men from the women.

I think the majority of people are scared or baffled by the transgender category, because the controversy behind the label leaves it to fate on how the public should deal with their confusion. Psychology and psychiatry are two fields that should, by all rational means, go together. Both explore how the brain functions and attempt ways that are either psychological in nature (talk therapy, hypnosis, EMDR, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I could go on and on :-) ), or biological, meaning they serve to physically alter the structure and functions of the various neurons/neurotransmitters throughout the brain. They of course, choose drugs that “seem” to affect specific areas, but everything I read on those kind of specifics are purposely vague, because they honestly don’t know how they work, but that they are successful for many people.

So there is a battle between pure psychological perspectives and treatments and the medical industry, which slows down progress and confuses the general public on what they should do or believe about the causes of mental illness, or in some cases, the psychology of a transgender person. (Fun fact: Homosexuality was officially declared to *not* be a mental illness by the U.S. government in December, 1979. Research proving the theory wrong could no longer be overlooked.) People question, “How could somebody feel they don’t belong in their own body?” and label it a perversion because they don’t understand. Hormone treatments aren’t even administered by a psychiatrist, which would at least make some sense because they alter moods as well as the physical changes that occur in the body.

3 out of 6 have strong theories, for or against them, lesbian, gay, and transgender. Asexual: someone who has no interest sexually in either gender, male or female. Boring. But finding information on bi-sexuality proved to be more of a challenge than I could imagine.

With the nature of the topic, it seemed wise to stay away from google, even using an iMac. It’s all bad news and useless information because people abuse the internet and its “infinite” knowledge. I went the book store/library route as it was much safer. As it turns out, bi-sexuality is almost completely shut out of the literature. They give this orientation the cold shoulder. Bi-sexuals are the minority within a minority. Hurray.

I found one whole book that seemed worthwhile at the CSCC library. It reads like a poorly written textbook and I’m struggling to finish it, which says a lot about its quality.

I did find a website that had preview pages of a book just published, and I intend to order it sometime because while it was a humorous book, it had a lot of thought provoking information, which is unfortunately non-existent elsewhere.

It’s like the dog ear-flap information gap, you pick a subject, only to find it nearly impossible to locate any information..


*****

First, I must thank you for pointing out the irony that was unintentional, I was late for class (as usual) and couldn't really explain. Bill Nye basically taught my seventh grade science class. The man we called "teacher" put the tape in the VCR and pushed play. He also did this with high school football game recordings, and that year the team happened to win the BAC or something.

I actually got screwed in several science classes.. my freshman year of high school, I learned topography. And that is all. The summer after, she was fired when they discovered that she did not even have her teaching license. Gooood times! Thankfully, I can return the dreadful library book, because I had inquired about this information before, and this evening my therapist brought me the materials!

There are a few Legit websites, which was my main concern:

www.bisexual.org Bisexual Resource Center http://biresource.net/index.shtml and www.robynochs.com/index.html

I guess there is an abundance of useful information when you know where to look... I'll have to check them out when I'm not going cross-eyed.

Peace! 
 *****

David, if I see you in person, I totally owe you a high five. Those are the classes of doom I have left at CSCC, and it never occurred to me to watch some Bill Nye for the NSCI classes. Sweet! I had one good science teacher my entire 12 years: Sophomore biology. Even then, my friend and lab partner did the gross cutting, and I identified body parts of the starfish, which is a task I am faced with on a day to day basis...

Continued:

It's okay, I used discrimination when choosing a lab partner.. She was a good friend I tutored in band, a year younger, but a super nerd so she was placed in the harder science class. Sure, she was my good friend and everything, but I'm not gonna lie. It was all for the brains on that one. It's human nature to automatically judge others. It makes work for our brains easier (scientific fact!). I have a bad habit of apologizing for everything, and I've realized it doesn't really matter. I shouldn't have to apologize for being myself! And neither should you, for being human :-)

*****

I made the state level spelling bee competition in sixth grade. The memory sits like an out-dated sepia photograph, an awkward moment captured that you cannot get rid of-- photography was not cheap in its early development. I won the second grade spelling bee in elementary school, so earning a chance to participate in the sixth grade state bee was not a surprise, but a relief at this renewed affirmation of my genius. The judges made us work to prove ourselves worthy to stay for the oral part-- we were herded into classrooms for the written portion. This would determine who would move to the next round. I had negative self-esteem flogged into my brain from birth, but I knew I had done well. Hours became molasses, oozing by at a snail’s pace. The judges had to sniff out the highest scores.

Finally, my self-doubt lost the bet as they called my name for the second round. The other students’ faces looked as self conscious as I felt. We knew that yes, it was now visible to the public that we were higher intelligent life than the others who could not manage to scratch words on paper correctly. But this superiority offered no added benefits, since we were essentially the definition of “nerd.” We started with a practice round, to get a feel for speaking into the microphone, and following the rules on spelling, stopping, starting, etc., I don’t remember the word, but it was a smooth test run. Panic took the wheel when we officially began. I listened as carefully as I could to the words given, the correct and incorrect answers. My racing thoughts had somehow ingested high octane, and as I stepped up for my first word, I could not even trick myself into thinking it was a test run again. They said the word: mimicry. When I heard it, alarms went off to warn me that I had no idea of how to even dissect this word. Step one, say the word. “Mimicry.” Step two, spell the word. “I-M...” and then instant devastation. My brain was going so fast, I lost myself in the moment, and I accidently said the letters backward. The room was silent, but I could feel the movement of air as the audience sucked in their breath, knowing that my mistake was instant death, and it was all because of nerves.




*****

There are so many things to compare to, but I think I'm going to go with flying and U.S. airlines security.

Yes, here comes the word "terrorism." It's like, America's favorite word these days.. I flew once in my life before 9/11. I was 15 and went to Hawaii with former friends/family. I remember being really excited to go on the plane, and thinking of all the movies I'd seen where an airport is depicted (my favorite has to be Planes, Trains and Automobiles!). I needed a point of reference, the long lines, people sleeping in the chairs and along the floor.. Sadly, it was summer, so there was no blizzard that would shut down flights and produce these circumstances.

As for the long lines, I remember being shocked at how quickly our bags were checked and we were ready to board the plane. The closest Hollywood element in my real life experience might've been the bustling Atlanta airport, where we switched to a 747, or the 15 hours it took to fly to Honolulu, six hours over the ocean once you leave California! Our in-flight movie was Titanic. We did not see the humor in this.

The biggest hang up was coming back, when they scanned my luggage and then investigated 3 mysterious newspaper wrapped objects in my suitcase. 3 monkey statues as a gift for my friend, they opened one, and then put them all back. Other than that, the biggest concern for people flying back into the mainland- fruits and vegetables. You are absolutely forbidden to even consider bringing something like this back home with you.

Maybe these were the infant stages of defense against terrorism: Obviously, they must have seen the Monty Python sketch, "How to Defend Yourself Against an Attacker Armed with a Piece of Fruit."

*****

The problem is easy: money. Our education is far too screwed and needs to be wiped clean and started over at this point.

I will say, even though my school had higher standards (an A=93%) and the awesome gifted program, along with music and theater, I always complained about how "poor" our district was. Then I graduated, tutored in an impoverished school district in northwestern ohio for about 6 months with America Reads. In 2002, Bush wiped that out, and passed "No Child Left Behind."

I saw the cruel and terrible justice of the world, and the apathy of taxpayers/voters/parents in not fighting the standardized testing which drains all life and potential creativity right out of a kid.

THAT being said, I had a great school, but it was lacking in the geography department. I remember a class report on Costa Rica. I know *all (*a large majority) of the states' capitals. We really didn't get much further than that, and it was almost completely overlooked in high school. No wonder the general population has the mentality that America is the center of the Universe...

Hold the reins. It's late, I just finished a psych paper, and I'm going cross eyed. I love online class!

*****

Wow, David, it needs some tweaking, but I'm really impressed with your use of second person POV. I like the spin off the traditional tourist brochure, because it is so true that they only show the beauty of those places. I think if you want to really highlight the differences between Americans and the natives, you should go with some more attitude. Let's face it, we as Americans are pretty much all assholes, and the kindness the tour guides must put forth seems so painful when you hear a fellow citizen ripping hotel staff a new one because their tv doesn't work (this actually happened in the trip, see below), and you want to choke them and scream, "You came from Minnesota to a beautiful, sunny, tropical island to watch television you fat lazy fuck?!" Okay, maybe that was just me. But I like your spin on this story, I'd love to read more. And now for some rambling.. My husband and I went to Mexico for our Honeymoon, in a beautiful all inclusive resort on the Yucatan peninsula, just south of Cancun. We could see Cozumel (a party island) from our beach. Now, we got an amazing deal to get this place, and it was because it opened the day we arrived. It was destroyed by Hurricane Wilma, which hit the Caribbean coast about 2 weeks after Katrina, so nobody in America heard about it (or really cared). Anyway, the construction people worked sunup to sundown; each day more of the resort was open, and we could see the bulldozers and work lamps lighting up Cozumel. We went on two trips, one to the city of Playa del Carmen, and then to Mayan ruins in Tulum. The ride to these places was humbling to say the least. Just like you described, there were bulldozed paths that seemed to be roads in the little villages along the freeway. They lived in shacks made of plywood, some with tin roofs, some with burlap it seemed... I think the homeless community in Florida has more home comfort and security than these people. We realized that they got up every morning, went to work at the resorts 12-14 hours a day, and went back home to the equivalent of a cardboard box. I almost cried in the passenger van. We plan to go back, not just because we had an amazing time, but because the people were SO kind and grateful, and to see HOW much they needed the boost to their economy... I urge anybody who likes the beach to visit this part of Mexico. Aw, now I'm all sad and stuff. :-(

*****

Good old psychology describes the state of consciousness that almost seems required as dissociation. Like hovering outside of your body & looking down or watching a movie.

Technically, it has many forms, but this kind happens in children with emotional abuse/trauma, as a defense mechanism to protect their self from the full effect. Over time it happens in random moments, at least in my case. After being able to realize that I do it in the first place, and then being able to recognize and stop if it would start, I'd say that people use it unconsciously every day. I love knowing these weird little mind/meditation tricks, because having that kind of ability adds so much depth to writing. At least I think it does.

*****

1. Why do you write? I've begun this piece nine times. I've junked every beginning. I hate writing about my writing. I almost never do it. Why am I doing it now? Because I said I would. I got a letter. I wrote back no. Then I was at a party and the same person was there. It's harder to refuse in person. Saying yes had something to do with being nice, as women are taught to be, and something to do with being helpful, which we are also taught. 


-Margaret Atwood (Best. Quotation. Ever.)


*****

First, Compliment Reflux Disorder = awesome.

I'm so writing the DSM-V committee to include this for the 2012 addition, lol! That is freaking brilliant!

So, a lot of my work I take samples from journals (I have both pen/paper and a computer file, different contents because I am truly dedicated to the lifestyle of being a nerd. Thank goodness it's cool these days!), and as a result, the times periods are going to vary within about a 21/2 year time period for the most part. I got fired from my job last July (it was a good thing!) as a house painter for my father in law. My arm had been numb for about a year total by the time I had surgery last October. I went to the chiropractor, and I'd had it several times before, from playing drums for 7 years, and then the painting. When I started school, the note taking finished off that pesky carpal tunnel. A mini HP and surgery, and I'm up and running again!

As far as meds, being raised so radical (no doctors, no vaccinations as a child, THE definition of homeopathic) I have to be realistic and find the balance of the two. Having co-morbid (multiple) diagnosis makes life complicated; I've studied abnormal psychology for years, probably starting in high school, and I find it kind of funny I recognized ADhD as an adult, but was in total denial of Major Depression, Panic Disorder, and the big one, PTSD. I, like the majority of the population, thought that was a disease limited to veterans of war.

I've done nothing but become more productive, confident, outspoken, and educated both emotionally and intellectually in the past few years of finally attempting to deal with the eternal heap before it buried ME, and a lot of this is because of my luck in finding an honest, straight forward family doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist. I actually *am* one of the few who need, and greatly benefit from medication that is properly guided. I don't know if I'll have to take them for the rest of my life, but I know that these days, I am able to live and feel free, and happy to be myself, and that is more than most people ever get in a lifetime.

*****

Discuss visual art and music as works of creative nonfiction. How does the artistic process compare with the writing process? Are the questions about fact and truth the same? Which particular challenges of creating nonfiction (as outlined in our book) would apply also to visual art and/or musical composition?

First, I have to throw down a quotation from Steve Martin's autobiography, because it fits the theme: "I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian." (Born Standing Up)

I like the third question because I have a ridiculous movie collection, and I've always loved reading, and Hollywood trivia in general. I've watched an excessive amount of movies throughout my life, and one day I began picking out the specific elements of what made a movie "good" or "bad" in my opinion. I don't like action films, in general-- but I love Kill Bill 1 and the 2nd is actually my favorite. These are the definition of action films, but the plot is so twisted and complex, the visual effects are stunning, and the awesome throw-back soundtrack make Tarantino stand-out from most other directors in his genre.

Steve Martin is a writer, but I don't think a lot of people know that, or how long he's been writing. I think The Jerk was his first co-written screenplay; but even through outrageous humor he captures the universal human needs of wanting to belong, "You mean I'm gonna stay this color?!" and when the new phone book arrives, "I'm in print! Things are gonna start happening to me now!"

What makes both of them stand out, more than just shock value, is their writing skills; you have to be willing to take risks in your writing, and being creative, while trying to accurately capture some human emotion. They have their eyes open to the bigger picture (oh boy, I must be tired, because I think I stumbled upon a pun), of what's going to be on the screen. They have to capture the story in a visually striking manner that can encapsulate the writer's unique perspective of the world.

As writers, directors, producers, ect., they have access to inner workings of the whole process. For these great filmmakers (certainly not limited to these two!), they can take more chances in the images they transfer from paper to film, because they have a thorough understanding of what the story should tell. I would guess it would be a lot tougher to only be a film director, or producer, or writer. Especially the writers, because the directors control what happens and how it happens on set, so they can interpret however they want.

It seems the core message could easily get watered down when passed through so many different hands, or points-of-view, and that would take away from any spark that might have made it interesting.


*****

Radical Sanity: Commonsense Advice for Uncommon Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel "See Lots Of Movies"

Movies are surely among the easiest things to become fascinated with and fanatical about. With almost no effort at all, you can get yourself absolutely crazy about the films of Woody Allen or Bernardo Bertolucci or anyone with an Italian last name. If you are looking for a way to get your mind off your mind, movies are a good start.

And in general, entertain yourself as much as possible--read books, watch television, listen to music, follow every titillating fact of public scandals (but do be selective about which ones you choose to get caught up in). Be sure to go to the theater and attend exhibitions also. (Of course, not if you find these activities oppressive and dull, but that is another problem altogether.) Try to be, as one of my college professors would say, engage.

After all, at the end of the day, culture, or whatever you want to call it, is pretty much all we humans have beyond our daily bread. In fact, the only thing that really separates us from the beasts of the jungles and savannahs of the world--besides, I suppose, that we have built missiles that almost guarantee our eventual self-destruction--is that we can play the clarinet, we can paint a starry night, we can compose and opera and write a sonnet.

... the more time you spend at the cinema or with a good page-turner, the more you will discover that you are not alone. You'll find out that your emotional life, however scary it seems to you when you are home alone with a bottle of Chianti on a Saturday night, is actually rather common. The more you read and attend and absorb of the available media, the less strange you will feel, and the more able you will be to achieve some measure of self-acceptance. All of the arts will do you the simple service of denying your unique misery. The power of great art is in its ability to deliver perspective and the best of it has a specificity that is so trenchant that what is personal becomes universal. (p. 36-37)

*****

The American Idol Effect: Why We’re Not Too Good at Judging Our Own Creativity (Does William Hung Think He’s a Good Singer?) by James C. Kaufman, PhD

Everybody can relax; I am a little out of breath from running to catch up (never mind the week seven temporary break-down). I was diligently working on presenting another essay by Julia Sweeney (Letting Go of God?, check it out!), when I found this fantastic piece on Psychology Today’s website. The title says so much I feel silly trying to spell it out for you, but then I remember that not everybody reads their course textbooks for fun.. And months after the class is over. What makes this essay sing is how the author uses scientific research studies and results, but the voice is casual and humorous, to the point where it almost tricks you into reading about science. I am more than okay with that.

Given the nature of this particular course, this is perfect for the few but mighty who bravely take the Writing Creative Non-Fiction class with the hopes of making a career one day. We are separate from the large schools of tiny brained goldfish, aimlessly floating through pre-requisite courses so they can transfer and still have no idea what their purpose in life might be. Then again, there was a pre-requisite for this course; Creative Writing. That was the class where it became glaringly obvious over the course of three months, who had something worthwhile to say, and who should have saved their money for the impending required Natural Science classes.

My experience in Creative Writing was like most of yours, I am certain. I was not by any means the best, but it was apparent those who had skills, those who did not, and those who knew and appreciated the difference. When you shine in the class early on, good and bad things start to happen. Self esteem is always healthy, as is gaining new friends—but then there is the friend who wants you to look over an essay or poem. And you have already clearly determined them to be on the other side of the parted waters, sadly, though they are friendly enough.

What makes these people persist in writing, when they gain nothing and actually spend time, money, and effort on a class that is catered to help them learn the proper tools of writing? It is not limited to literature, but youTube has a plethora of terrible videos full of blatant self-promotion; Livejournal, myspace, twitter (brevity is the heart of wit, people), Facebook, blogger, and their spawn are heavily weighted with emo poetry, spelling errors so horrendous that the original intended word is impossible to make out, and so forth. These people are incessant in their drive to produce God-awful gut-wrenching (think vomit, not chick flick) “works” and to think—some people comment with gushing adoration! Clearly, this obliviousness to the inherent lack of creativity is a contagious disease, or at least, it is a widespread genetic phenomenon. As Kaufman puts it, “How can people (perhaps like Hung, certainly by the would be novelists paying for vanity presses to publish their work) think their creativity is at such a high level when typical indicators of appreciated talent are not present?”

Studies show that people who have high metacognitive abilities (that is, the ability to monitor their own learning, therefore knowing their potential and limits) are more successful in accurately predicting their strengths versus weakness. It seems to be linked to creative problem solving, which leads to better performance. And then the flip side of this ugly truth: lower metacognition would lead to lower creative performance. This makes sense, and has the nice touch of showing that not only are they less creative, they are not able to recognize the reality.

Recently, some work out of my lab has found further evidence for this “American Idol Effect.” Working with my then student Michelle Evans (now Michelle Samuel and a college instructor) and my colleague John Baer at Rider University, we examined fourth-grade students’ self reports of creativity in four domains: math, science, writing, and art. We then (cruelly) had them do actual creative tasks in math, science, writing, and art, and then (also cruelly) asked five classroom reachers to rate all of the creative works. The good news: the teachers agreed on what was creative and what was not. The bad news: students are impressively bad at evaluating their own creative talent.

This essay recognizes that there is much more research, and the limited implication of fourth-graders results, but what an interesting topic for a class that fits the theme. Hopefully William Hung is not so out-dated that people have wiped him out of their memory.

Article published February 26, 2010


*****

This is fantastic: I admire the focus of your story, of how a young adult (actually an adolescent until about 25 years old, which means the pre-frontal cortex is still developing; this is what makes adolescents impulsive and engage in risky behaviors, etc.) is capable of making mistakes, but more importantly of being rehabilitated. People are SO quick to throw everybody in jail--now, I'm not saying murderers or rapists or child molesters should be free, but the younger the offender is, the higher the chances are they can really change for the better. One of the best examples (and controversial) is giving a life sentence to an adolescent for a crime, such as murdering a parent. No, it's not okay to murder your parents. But the kids were abused, which became obvious in each case (go Frontline!), and out of impulsivity, anger, rebellion, and the inability to clearly understand the consequences they committed murder. Ten years later, as young adults reaching their late 20's and early 30's, it was clear that they had matured, and they understood the truth of their mistakes. These guys really were changed, because they had more focused treatment in prison, medication (at least for some), and the TIME to let their brain FINISH developing. I don't recall any of the interviewees having any chance for parole. I can't imagine how many adolescents there are in prison that will never get a second chance because of an ignorant and corrupt justice system ('Eye for an eye' is a little too Code of Hammurabi [CIV I, anybody?] for me). Your story is a great example of what people can do with their lives, that it doesn't always have to end unhappy.

*****

You had me at Paranoid Schizophrenic.. Ha.. Okay, not too appropriate maybe. This was breath-taking to read. I used to be more of a true crime reader than I am now, but I have always been fascinated with the mind, and what motivates people to do the things they do. Personally, I am against the death penalty; for me it is a simple, clear-cut, killing is wrong under any circumstances type of feeling. This story is intriguing; a lot of people get upset about use of the insanity plea, but the truth is, a very tiny percentage of inmates can even use this plea, and it is extremely rare that it actually sticks. I link this to the great Prozac sweep that started in the 90's, at least partly. There was a great movement for deinstitutionalization starting in the 70's and 80's, because of the terrible conditions in state asylums throughout the years, even after the invention of anti-psychotic medication in the 60's (maybe 70's). Prozac (and all its friends) seemed to alleviate much of the suffering, and better yet, helped some return to functioning like normal in their lives. That's great that there was so much concern for the welfare of these patients that such a cruel system was brought to its knees. Success and victory dancing must have made them forget that they left a half-finished project; now all the mentally ill are homeless, cycling through the prison system, always returning because there is NO transition between outside life and prison, no help with managing and coping so they might continue on their meds and stay out of prison. It sounds like this is another obvious example of why extensive rehabilitation measures should be enforced, through a state hospital if necessary, if it keeps an otherwise dangerous person from "choosing" to stop medication and kill their family. I find it hard to believe a true paranoid schizophrenic would be rational and capable of making such a decision. In other words, his actions MORE than demonstrate symptoms of an aggressive disorder, but with only extreme choices (freedom or death), and no consideration for the percentage of the population that suffer from debilitating and sometimes life-altering mental illnesses, we leave them to an "all or nothing" fate. I keep my fingers crossed that all the new information being uncovered about the brain and mental illness will soon add up to be enough so things might change, in order to more appropriately deal with this specific problem, since it really hasn't gotten better over the last two decades. Wow, you got me all riled up. Greeeeat story!

*****

maps

1. Cancun, Mexico
2. Playa del Carmen, Mexico
3. Honolulu, HI, USA
4. Columbus, OH, USA
5. Cleveland, OH, USA
6. New Orleans, LA, USA
7. West Hollywood, CA, USA

• Create your own travel map or travel blog
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"We don't know where the sunbeams end"

This has been a week, alright. Monday I double checked the due date for my portfolio, and it was Wednesday. Tuesday I had classes and it was a fine day- Some guy asked me if I wanted to throw a "dance party" in the foyer of Nestor Hall. I was caught off-guard and politely declined the invitation. Tuesday night I had my usual therapist appointment, and at the end of the session, she tells me that she will be having surgery to remove a tumor, but thankfully it is not cancer. Holy crap. I'm freaking out and it's not even me it's happening to. Sheesh! Wednesday I woke up, and finished my portfolio throughout the day. Of course it was a little bit late, and by the time I got to campus I was reeeeeeally late for Psych of Personality. I am such a douche. Thursday I arrived to Adolescent Psych in my own time zone; what I didn't expect was Exam 3 yesterday. I happened to *accidently* study Tuesday afternoon, but I had NO IDEA. That being said, I feel pretty good about my grade, and I wouldn't be surprised if I get an A on this one, because of the shock of not knowing (or blacking out from stress and forgetting, anyway). In the lounge between classes, some of the rowdy bunch that hangs out in there yelled at me, complimenting my leggings, and then my hair. I turned to sit down, and some other guy was like, "yeah, I like that." He then proceeded to stare at me quizzically for a moment, before re-affirming, "yeah, I like those colors. That's looks pretty neat." Gosh, I was so insecure before, but since this complete stranger has given me the thumbs up, good-to-go, seal of approval, I feel much more confident in going out dressed like a blind person who has cruel, heartless friends that let me go out in public looking like Helen Keller designed my wardrobe and Andrea Bocelli is my hair dresser. Open Mic tonight, woot woot! I do believe I'm going to read Schizophrenic Sonnet, at last. I've been waiting patiently, but the time has come. I'm such a nerd.

From 12.10.2009

Finals are over. I am biting my nails waiting for grades, mostly to see the damage in Civ I. This morning as I was submitting poetry for the spring publication, I found myself unknowingly bypassing an entrance interview and getting signed into the Magazine Publication and Literary Criticism class.

I wonder if it's a difficult course to get into? I wonder how I drunkenly stumble through everyday life, completely unaware of what's going on around me. Life happens only as my blurry goggles see it.

Today the Prof. told me "Transgender Barbie" is pretty much a shoe-in, because he has the final say in what ultimately gets printed. I thought, wouldn't publication be a helpful skill to have in the creative writing and psychology fields?

I asked if there was room left in the class. He said he didn't really need anymore students, but he could make room for me. And like that, a form appeared for me to give to the registration people, an instructor approval form to take a class.

All this evidence, physical proof in the form of teacher comments, grades, and it still feels like someone else is getting all the bonus points. I'm doing all the work, but not feeling any consistent reward.

It is completely and utterly ridiculous. Or I am.

Shriveled up bits of my old life remain, but I will continue to layer on the education and gifts I am acquiring, not to bury all the bad but maybe freeze dry it so I don't make the same mistakes over again.

On with the poetry.

This one was hard for me to finish, at least during the revision process. The first half basically came out perfect, but the second half was a struggle, as I like to carry a "soap box" with me and climb up to preach sometimes. I'm not even sure what that means, the whole "soap box" comment. I heard it a lot in class though. I think I made the second half easier to swallow, by letting the 'snarkiness' (I hear that a lot from the Prof. too) come back through. I get excited over issues that are important, what can I say? It was a blast to read aloud, I can tell you that! **This was a class exercise where we had to write 20 lines all in one sentence. Good times! It's not an easy feat.. The Sticker Racheal Whitley

For years, I tirelessly searched, hoping to one day catch for myself the Crayola blue square which surrounds a sunshine yellow equal sign, the sign of equality; and yet, rarely do strangers actually understand the emblem, or the meaning it holds so vast and so expansive: a proclamation of rebellion behind this sticker, which I insist on placing everywhere, like my car, my folders and notebooks I buy at discount prices because they are plain and I know I’ll decorate them anyway with this sticker, a glaring representation and bold declaration of what I believe, a message for the underdogs, a defiant swing at conservatives, the radical right-wing morons who robotically preach obscene messages that declare, ‘God loves everyone BUT you’ in the crusade they justify through literal

interpretations of historical literature, mostly metaphorical examples of Life’s hardships-- like the infamous story of two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah, where God [in his infinite wisdom] burned them to the ground, as they had become playgrounds of wickedness (what with all the rape and pillaging going on); this, the foundation for the Christian fight against homos: since God destroyed these cities that, statistically speaking, contained a percentage of gays, they leap to the conclusion that God must really HATE gays, and in this blind leap, they ignore other important causal factors behind the two cities “Gone Wild”: the rapists, for example, were not exclusively gay, and so rationally, it seems fair that God destroyed the sum of ALL evil, not exclusively the Rainbow Gang; hands-on observation shows when this cultural diversity migrates, drastic improvements emerge, with remodeling historic homes, sprucing up neighborhoods, adding pizzazz with rainbow flags, little adopted orphans now playing on cobbled roads-- still, I am baffled at the limited prospect of our evolution to a rational society, with our national mindset out of whack, but maybe the country will wake up and maybe give a go at the old ‘practice what you preach’ proverb, [“ALL men are created equal” my ass], I mean, hell, John Locke coined that phrase and even he didn’t believe it; but in this millennium, this age of information, our definition of morality should make more sense compared to centuries ago, yet, somehow it does not; so America, the land of the free, is not really free at all.

"Goddamn right, it's a beautiful day."

Would you believe that someone as fabulous and brilliant as myself doesn't really have any friends?

Would you??

I have internet friends. Oh boy. I mean, I find it fascinating that there are equally cool mo-fo's out there, and slowly we are finding each other.

But this is not real life.

Oh today, it was brought to my attention that I talk too much. Well, let me phrase that more appropriately: In sum, I am too scientific, or "preachy."

I "take the fun out of everything."

Well just fucking great. I cried for a bit, then realized that by crying I am holding myself to ridiculous, average, normal people standards.

I'm not dumbing myself down for anybody. I'm was never very good at pretending to be something I'm not, in order to please any and/or everybody.

I'm BEING ME, and if you have a fucking problem, YOU waste YOUR time crying, because I'm caught up for a lifetime.

There are people in this world that are the most selfish, thoughtless, un-charismatic, bland, ignorant, asshole-fucking douche bags, and somehow these types have friends.

Fuck. I climbed all the way up here on my soapbox, and this is where I'll stay.

When I have a PhD, will you take me seriously then? Because I'll still be boring, I'll just have fancy letters after my name.

When I'm published and going on miniature book tours to college campuses around the nation, are you going to tell your like-minded friends how awesome it is that you know me?

That will be nice for you. You can talk down ABOUT me to others all you want, and then reap the small amount of attention you get for knowing somebody so fantastic and courageous.

I'm off to write now. Don't hurt yourselves thinking about all those fancy letters I'll be laying on the page. Save those precious brains for the zombie apocalypse.

You can get what you want, eventually, but you have to Persist!

After 10 years of dreaming, I am exactly where I should be. In life. In general.

I'm on a publication staff. I'm getting published Spring/Summer.

My Prof. has deemed me "The Critic" (That's capital 'T,' capital 'C').

I'm struggling but I'm surviving. And it feels wonderful at times.

Oh, and let's not forget that after about a year and a half of not working, I have my dream job.

Internship, unpaid, but I would LIVE in the CD101 studio if I could. Seriously. I freaking love those people!

Is this good karma for me? Or am I just finally able to recognize that others see mountains of potential and greatness in my future?

Today is a good day, no matter what.

"In the morning, wanna die. In the evening, wanna die. If I ain't dead alread..."

Recurring dreams are not nearly as mysterious and/or intriguing as they might sound.

No, they are anxiety-provoking, sometimes panic inducing for me. I remember the story line of the dream and I wake up depressed.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

My ex-best friend is getting married in about 2 months. I remember this fact every day. I also remember how she planned my bridal shower, my bachelorette party, and took care of me the day of my wedding almost 4 years ago.

People tell me, sometimes these things happen, maybe years down the road you could become friends again.

Getting married is a big deal. Yup. It's lame, it's heterosexual, it's girlie to dress up and prance around in front of people, but it's really important. I look back at my own wedding and regret things I should've done (hire a PRO photographer, for example), but it was still a great day with every person that was important to us.

She'll have her bridal shower (or has had for all I know), her bachelorette party (same thing), her wedding photos with something missing. I can no longer ignore the intense pain of knowing that I am the loser who is missing.

But now that it's her turn in the spotlight she doesn't want or need me there. I am a pile of worthless shit that made her nauseated months before she broke off the friendship. My psychic abilities were not up and running and so this came as a shock.

I mean, let's be honest, I am constantly reminding myself every day of what a fraud I am, and I most likely don't even deserve a best friend to begin with. I had the chance, and I fucked it up. Apologies, sincerity, regret; these things mean nothing.

The politically moderate Atheist who taught at a Christian school and supports issues like gay marriage and pro-choice options is cemented in her fury. Ignore the flexibility in humanitarian concerns with all aforementioned ideals that shape her identity.

She is standing her moral ground at all costs, against the perceived evil in the Universe.

And that evil would be me.